Officer's Death in Boston

It was tragic that deaths occured related to the chase and ultimate capture of the Boston bombing suspects. An innocent officer was killed at a convenience store. If only it hadn't been situated next door to the donut shop.

Capture of Boston Bombing Suspect

They found the one live remaining Boston bombing suspect. Apparently it was rather simple. Unfortunately he took the advice of a blonde female hostage he had held briefly, who had told him "there's a boat in that back yard if you want to escape."

Boston Bombing

They finally caught the Boston Marathon bombing suspect. He made it easy for the police, not even trying to change into a disguise. Those first on the scene stated he was still wearing a bomber jacket.

Amanda Bynes

Apparently Amanda Bynes was arrested for throwing a bong out of her 36th floor apartment window, endangering passerby on the street below. She showed up in court acting bizarrely and wearing a strange blond wig. Those close to her were surprised by her behavior, but her Life Coach Lindsey Lohan said she didn't understand what all the hubbub was about.

Pakistan Building Collapse Survivor

Apparently they pulled a survivor from the rubble of the factory collapse in Pakistan, after being buried alive for seventeen days. She was immediately contacted by agents from Jenny Craig, who wanted to enlist her endorsement, after she lost fifty-three pounds in just two weeks.

Search Dogs

Apparently, they were having a problem with the search dogs following the tornado that struck Oklahoma. You see, there are dogs that search for survivor's, and also those that search for cadavers. They don't normally work as a team, and the dogs were becoming distracted and starting to fight. Until, that is, someone decided to play music at the scene to calm them. Debate then ensued as to whether "Wanted, Dead or Alive" was an appropriate choice.

Oklahoma Tornado

The recent tornado in Oklahoma destroyed a bowling alley. In the background, as Wolf Blitzer and others held mikes, you could see several bowling balls strewn upon the ground. Luckily, an editor at the newspaper stopped the headline in time that would have read "Tornado Strikes Moore, But Several Spared.

Deliberating the Death Penalty for Arias

Jurors sequestored to decide upon whether to give Jody Arias the death penalty couldn't reach consensus. It turns out they were the ones that wound up being hung.

Death Penalty

Maybe they don't have the death penalty in Colorado? Now they're talking about sending the Aurora, Colorado shooter to share the cell of Jody Arias. They're going to tell her that he was her boyfriend, and cheated on her.

Cleveland Kidnapper's Daughter

Ariel Castro's daughter has disavowed all family ties to her father. She doesn't want anyone to think that being raised by such a sociopath would influence her own morals, or that, Heaven forbid... she is Cuban.

Cleveland Hostages

Psychologists were concerned that the three women held hostage for ten years by the Cleveland kidnapper would have a hard time assimilating back into society. But it shouldn't be a problem. They already hate Hispanics.

Philadelphia Thrift Store

The tragic collapse of a building undergoing demolition recently in Philadelphia has had numerous calamitous consequences. Aside from the loss of life, searchers of the rubble for survivors were said to have found many body parts with no means of identification. Despite the rumor, because of the discovery of many palms with fingers intact, the store, upon reconstruction, will be renamed The Salvation Army Thrift Shop, and not The Second Hand Store.

War with Tiny Countries

Talk has it that we might intervene in yet another Middle East country. Wasn't it enough that we became hopelessly embroiled in the affairs of first Afghanistan, then Iraq? Then we became entangled in Libya. And now we might engage yet another small Middle Eastern country's armed forces? Syria's?

Chemical Weapons in Syria

No one ever said they have the world's most modern army in Syria. But now Obama is talking about intervening because of crimes against humanity. Syria is apparently using chemical weapons against the insurgents. Last night Assad circled troops about a civilian protest and force fed them grey poupon, smiling benignly as they produced mustard gas to the horror of the rioters.

Stupid Terrorists 2

Apparently, it isn't that easy to create sarin gas outside of laboratories. So the stupid terrorists are now reverting to obtaining everyday items that can be easily converted to their intention. One of them heard that an infidel will suffocate if separated from oxygen, so they're planning to use large sheets of saran wrap, instead of sarin, for their next attack. Coroners are afraid that this will immensely complicate the complexity of determining the time of death of the victims. You see, the bodies won't spoil as fast.

Stupid Terrorists

No one ever said that terrorists were well-educated. Apparently, some of the Arabic plotters are having difficulty interpreting English only online tutorials on how to wreak damage upon the infidels. Recently, several Capital Hill politicos received letters containing rice in the envelopes. Talk about instant panic.